Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Sweet Olivia's birth

My sweet Olivia. Her birth story is actually the complete opposite of what I thought. Who cares about natural versus epidural versus cesarean as long as you got a baby in the end, right? But I didn't get my baby.

While this post may be painful to read and the pictures may be difficult to see, this isn't for you. I think I need this to help the healing and grief. And so I won't forget a single detail of the last hours spent with my perfect little girl.


It all started with my weekly 38 week appointment on Tuesday, February 4. I was actually 37 weeks and 3 days. I felt surprisingly good. I had experienced sharp low abdomen pains and pelvic pressure the day before, but the doctor said that was to be expected. We had received a bit of freezing rain that morning and more was anticipated. Even though Josh had been up all night with a stomach bug, he drove me to the appointment. We agreed that he could just stay in the car, as he didn't want to get sick in the waiting room. Since it was just a weekly appointment, all they were going to do was check to see if I had progressed, measure my belly, listen to her heart beat and send me on my way.

I walked into the clinic and was informed that they were not opening due to weather until 10am (my appointment was at 8:00). I told them we could reschedule, then a nurse walked up and said Dr. Scott Bailey, a doctor I had met previously but wasn't scheduled to see that day, was there to see anyone who happened to show up. Dr. Bailey ended up being a blessing from God; a man who has an amazing gift of comfort and love.

I waited for a bit, then they called me back. I had gained an additional 2 pounds, making my total weight gain 22 pounds and my blood pressure with 110/62. Right on track. Dr. Bailey walked into my room and greeted me with a smile. I thanked him for seeing me, despite the bad weather. He asked how I was feeling that week and if there were any problems. I, of course, said everything was going fine. He then asked about my thyroid nodule and felt around my throat, saying he knows I'm worried about it but that I am in good hands with the doctors at UAMS. He then measured my belly, but I don't remember him saying the measurements. He then grabbed his Doppler to find her heart beat. He went straight to the spot where we could always hear it. And, silence.

He moved the Doppler around a bit, searching and searching but couldn't pick anything up. I knew something was wrong because, from our very first visit, her heartbeat was always strong and easy to find. He then took me into the next room to do an ultrasound. I could tell he was trying to ease my panic by being calm and confident. I told myself "Josh is going to be so jealous that I got to see her on the ultrasound!" but I also had a pit in the bottom of my stomach.

On the ultrasound screen I easily saw her round head then chest and abdomen. Dr. Bailey scanned back and forth, but within a few seconds that pit grew overwhelming larger. I broke the silence, saying "I don't see much movement." Dr. Bailey replied, "Neither do I sweetheart." He then went to point out her heart, indicating no beat or movement. It was so quiet and still in that room.

He hugged me and then left me alone to send a nurse to go find Josh. I sat there with my hands over my face in utter shock. No tears. Just complete disbelief. Questions raced through my mind: When did I last feel her? What could have happened? What did I do? Wasn't she completely fine less than a week ago?

Josh walked into the room and I could tell he had been sleeping soundly in the car. He had wrinkled sleep spots on his face where he had his hand pressed against it. His expression was one of shock and fear. I had to utter the words, "She has no heartbeat."

Dr. Bailey then moved us to another room where we held each other and sobbed. Deep, sorrowful weeping. The doctor sat down with us, hugged us, and said comforting words. He suspected a knot or tangle in the umbilical cord, stating it happens maybe 1 in 1000 pregnancies. So rare.

And when we were ready, he then gently talked us through the steps of how I would go through with delivery and how recovery would be. He prescribed me a pill which would thin my cervix and start contractions. He told us we could stay at the hospital, or go home and wait. We opted for the latter.

We got home and stood in the kitchen, holding each other and sobbing some more. My mom, dad, and step dad were already on their way. At 10am I took my first pill; I was to take a half dose every 6 hours and if nothing happened by the next morning I could start taking them whole. Until my family arrived, Josh and I sat in silence. For hours it was so quiet. We kept stating the same things over and over: I can't believe it. I just want to feel her kick. This is unfair. I am so mad. How could she be taken away now?

My mom and stepdad finally arrived. More silence. More crying. More holding.

The whole day we just waited, filling our time with mindless tasks. Puzzles. Baking bread. Watching House of Cards. The word was spread to family and friends, and prayers and messages came pouring in. I took another half pill at 4. Then another at 9:30. Josh and I laid down around 10 to close our eyes.

At 11:30 I woke up with low abdomen cramps happening every 4 minutes or so. When I got up, I knew my water had broken. I woke up Josh asking him to get my mom and that we needed to go to the hospital. I took my time taking a shower and packing my bag. We arrived at the ER around 1am. Then made it to a room by 2. I was complete effaced but only dilated 1.5cm.

It took a while, but I finally got an epidural. While I originally planned to go drug free, this was far from the original plan. All I really wanted was to sleep through the whole ordeal. Once the medicine kicked in, I was able to do just that. I feel asleep around 4 am, with Josh right beside me. At 7:30am my sweet nurses Shannon and Anita checked me and said I was completely dilated; that I was ready to have my baby. Josh quickly called my parents who had returned to our house to sleep, thinking it would take at least 5 hours or so to dilate. Luckily the hospital is less than 10 minutes from our house. The staff began prepping me and by the time I was ready to push my mom was walking through the door.

The whole time the room was eerily quiet. Just Anita encouraging me when to push and telling me I was doing it perfectly. I remember trying to use all the techniques I had learned in my pregnancy fitness classes. To breath. To engage certain muscles.

I couldn't feel a thing.

After about 40 minutes, the doctor came in. I pushed a few more times. Sweet Olivia was born asleep at 9 am on Wednesday, February 5, 2014. The cord was tight around her neck. Something that happens so often, yet is rarely fatal.

Josh and I got to love, hold, kiss, dance, and sing to our precious baby girl for 8.5 hours. We dressed her in a sweet sleep gown and cap. And because of a wonderful organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, we were able to take priceless photos of time spent with our angel.

Around 5:30 Josh and I kissed and said goodbye to Olivia, painfully handing her over to our amazing nurses. I don't quite remember leaving the hospital. Between the pain medicine and the overwhelming sorrow I don't remember much after kissing Olivia. I know I got home, crawled into bed, and Josh and I cried ourselves to sleep.

Looking at these pictures give me peace and prove that she was real. That she was our precious little girl, that I am a mommy, and that she was perfect in every way.









I love you Olivia. I my heart aches to hold you and kiss you.

39 comments:

  1. Beautiful and sweet. I have prayed several times and for several days for you and your husband. Even though, we have never met, please know you are being prayed for. And I only hope you have comfort and peace in knowing your sweet Olivia is in the arms of Jesus. Praying for your hearts to be comforted.

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  2. Lifting your aching hearts up in prayer.

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  3. Alex, my heart breaks for you, Josh, and your whole family. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Judy McNeese

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  4. Alex and Josh, I pray for the comfort for your family. I cannot imagine the heartache. You and Josh are wonderful parents, and Olivia is a beautiful doll! Those sweet little lips are smiling and praising our Lord until you are together again. May God bless you and hold you tight when you need. <3

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  5. I can offer no right words, my heart just hurts for you and Josh. She looks so incredibly precious and perfect in your arms! You are a mommy and Daddy and nothing will change that. S0 much love to you both and your family!

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  6. I don't know you personally but we have a friend in common. Your story is so moving and so touching and so full of sorrow. My heart aches for you and you will be in my prayers. I hope you can find peace and healing and love for you all.

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  7. Olivia is so beautiful. I think she looks like both of you for sure. As an angel, she is always near. I know that one day, she will be carefully watching over her little brothers and sisters. Prayers and love and blessings.

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  8. She was a beautiful baby.I am so sorry for you both and keeping you in my prayers .

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  9. Olivia is beautiful. Alex, I can't imagine the pain you are in and I'm so sorry. I pray for comfort and healing for you and your family.

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  10. Alex- I am so very sorry for your loss. You are an amazing person and this cant be explained. Your baby girl will always be looking upon you and you will reunite again. You are beautiful in every way and I pray for you, your husband and sweet angel Olivia always.

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  11. Alex, I met you years ago when you were a little girl at Debbie's and Scott's. I am Debbie's aunt. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine the loss you and your husband feel. When Alma told me about Olivia, my heart broke for you. Know that you are and will continue to be in my prayers. She is a precious, beautiful little angel. Love in Christ.

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  12. Praying for you during this time....thank you for sharing your precious Olivia with us. Such a beautiful treasure...

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  13. I understand what you are going through. I had the same doctor visit and gave birth to my daughter Aubrey who was born still when I was 6 months pregnant in 2007. I am so sorry you all have to go through this and I will add you to my prayer list. God has blessed me with 2 more children and a lot of healing over the years. -Natalie Knoble

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  14. My heart breaks for you. I can not imagine the pain and heartache you have been through. I pray God wraps his loving arms around you and gives you strength, comfort and especially peace.

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  15. You don't know me but I'm praying for you, and will for a long long time. Olivia was beautiful.

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  16. <3 prayers for you and your beautiful family.

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  17. Prayers from Missouri. My heart breaks for you and your family.

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  18. Prayers for you all as you grieve your angel's passing. My Mother's birthday was February 5th..she has been gone 25 years and I still grieve for her. Reading your story also gave my heart a lift...mine was THE perfect Mother and Grandma. She will love, treasure and care for Olivia until we get. there. They are both much happier than we can ever be...here.

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  19. From one grieving mom to another, you are incredibly brave and I know your pain first hand. Our stories are almost identical from timing to cord accident. Your journey is just beginning and sweet, beautiful Olivia is always with you. My heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you and your husband. Much love to you both.

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  20. As unfair as life can be, I thank God that He is right now holding your broken hearts and will restore your crushed spirits. I can't understand the gutwrenching pain of losing a sweet, innocent child - there is absolutely nothing fair about you having to experiene such heartache. I pray peace and comfort in knowing that sweet Olivia is dancing with Jesus and I pray for courage and strength that you will wake up every morning and do great things for the glory of God in the midst of your grief and sorrow. Olivia lives on in the hearts of those who loved her most. <3

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  21. The journey will be long, the mountain will be steep, you will get tired, you will get angry, your heart will ache with pain where it seems unbearable and so unfair. Fight anyway because Olivia will be waiting for you. Share her story as it is in your heart she lives. Never give up. Hold on to the one that refuses to let you go....And know many are loving you and praying for you and your husband.

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  22. Praying for you to find peace and ways to cope. My heart aches for you.

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  23. I know your heart is broken
    I can feel your pain
    I'm sorry I never saw you
    But I loved you
    I heard your laugh
    I felt your warmth
    I touched you and
    You touched me
    You were the only one I knew
    And I know you loved me
    Please don't turn my memory
    Into a bitter sorrow
    What I knew of life was you
    And it was beautiful
    Remember me
    with tender memories
    And smiles
    As
    I will you

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  24. Be strong and courageous.Do not be discouraged,For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

    I know how painful it is.I almost lost my daughter too when her umbilical cord was all over her neck and my cervix won't open that time.I had 23 hours labor until they decided to do CS. Be strong.she is in a wonderful place now. Heaven. God loves you!

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  25. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you and your family.

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  26. I am so sorry. We lost our little girl during our first pregnancy as well. I always felt like I was a mom, because I had a baby in Heaven, but it was always hard when people asked if I had children. I can identify with the struggles you've probably had this week--milk coming in, wondering how long until you are pregnant again, sad about the hopes and dreams, etc. losing your first is very hard. I was not as far along as you (22 weeks) but very similar story of going for an ultrasound and being shocked with no heartbeat. I truly am so so sorry!

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  27. A friend posted your blog. Dear girl, we have never met but I delivered my sweet daughter asleep on the 7th. Feel free to reach out if you want. Its heartbreaking I well understand.

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  28. "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18

    The Lord is near you in these moments. Rest in Him alone, and in His comfort. I have prayed for you and your husband. I am so sorry, that is the worst pain imaginable; but God will pull you through it.

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  29. So sorry for your lose. On April 8th it will be 42 years since we lost our little girl. I was 9 months pregnant and felt wonderful until that doctor visit. I went into labor the next day. Back then they didn't let us see and hold our little girl. So you are blessed to have had that. No one knows unless they have been there, the heart break. It does get better as time goes by but after 42 years there are times that it still brings tears to my eyes. God bless you and your family and just know God will get you through it.

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  30. You and your family are in God's plan. The pain will probably last until the day, you see her again face to face and she kisses your cheeks. Have faith in God, He's on his Throne. Prayers for your Pain and Praises for your JOY. God is Good, ALL the time.

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss! I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I have lost several nieces and nephews due to pregnancy and birth complications. That was so hard to go through, I can't imagine going through that with my own child. Your Olivia is beautiful, and you will see her again one day!

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  32. Alex, I've been following your posts since you began your blog. I've especially loved following your pregnancy story, and I've prayed for you many times. Jennifer filled me in on your sad news. My heart cannot break any more for you, and I know what I feel is only a fraction of what you and Josh feel right now. You are so incredibly brave. Just reading your words telling Olivia's story has my face streaming with tears. But you have heard the words that I have heard as well, "Our children are never ours, they're God's. We just get to love them while we have them." In all the sorrow, I can't help but think that you were the one God chose to be Olivia's mom. You were the only one he wanted to carry her and care for her for 9 months. Please know that I'm covering you and Josh in prayer. The pictures of you with Olivia are precious beyond words. Thank you so much for sharing her. Sending love and hugs your way from Texas.

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  33. I am so very sorry for your loss! Reading your words and seeing your beautiful photographs were both heart breaking and beautiful. I lift you and your family in prayer. May God cover, bless and keep you.

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  34. Praying for you and your family. Working at an ob/gyn I see this more than I'd Like and it breaks my heart everytime. God chose you to be Olivia's mom for a reason. Will continue to pray for you. God bless.

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  35. What a beautiful little girl. My heart breaks for you and Josh and I pray God's strength and comfort for you as you walk through this loss together. I have a little one in heaven as well that I was never able to hold. I grieve with you...

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  36. Thank you for writing your story Alex. I understand how it is both difficult and therapeutic to put it into words. We lost our sweet Annabel Jane in September to a cord accident at 38 weeks. She was our first and still only. It is a dark and personal journey through the healing. Please know you are in my thoughts in this torturous camaraderie.

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  37. Olivia is beautiful. My heart is crushed for you. Desperately praying.

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  38. I saw the link to your blog posted by a Facebook friend, and my heart grieves for you. My precious niece Mary Beth experienced something very similar with her second child, and she found huge support from a group called Hope Mommies. (hopemommies.org) She also kept a blog during her early months of grieving, and it's still online in case you care to find comfort from her journey. (www.runningwithreese.com) You have my prayers for God's comfort and for your physical healing as well as you walk this valley!

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