Sunday, February 23, 2014

My Valley

These past several weeks have been the hardest of my life. The amount of pain and sorrow I feel continue to take my breath away. The sadness is so deep people can't even imagine. It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

Olivia. Cancer. 

I could blame it all on God. Point the finger and demand a reason why. Despite the desire to accuse God of this sorrow, despite my heart aching in pain and anger, my soul screams that that is not the God I know. 

The God I know is loving. The God I know is good. The God I know does not take away babies or give people illness. He is a comforter, a protector, and healer. He cries with me, as he knows the pain of losing a child too. 

Living in this world we are told that pain and sorrow will touch our lives. Not if, but when. 

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you.
Isaiah 43:2-4

We all have our own storms. Unfaithful spouses, infertility, loss, disease. But what do you do when that storm comes? Do you rely on yourself, trying to outrun the rain or keep your head above water? Or do you draw close to God, who has a big 'ole umbrella to protect you?

Olivia. Cancer. This is my storm. This is my pain. This is the valley that I will walk through. 

And I am hunkered down next to God, trying to squeeze as closely to Him as possible. Holding on by a thread, scared of what may happen if I let go. Knowing the only thing that keeps me going each day is hope in Him. Hope that He isn't done with me yet. Hope in knowing I'll be with my sweet Olivia one day, forever. 

I'll remember the suffering that your LOVE put you through,
And I will walk through the valley, if you want me to. 


  1. I don't know you but stumbled across your blog tonight. I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I can't imagine such a loss.
    I had a thyroid tumor removed 10 years ago and wanted to encourage you to ask your surgeon to use a nerve monitor when doing your surgery. The nerve monitor helps to protect your laryngeal nerve during surgery. It is a fragile nerve and can easily be damaged. Mine was damaged and led to problems with speaking a swallowing for many months. I am not trying to scare you any more than you already are; I just wanted to let you know about a simple tool that would have made my life easier.
    I wish you all the best.....and know that in the 10 years since I had thyroid cancer, I have been fine. Had a baby at 40 and no residual issues.
    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Alex, Just wanted you to know you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I just heard a song that made me think of you. I know your pain in some ways will never go away but I pray that as time passes you'll be able to use it to reach out to others. As God carries you through this, you'll be able to point others to him. I don't believe He causes these bad things but I do believe He can take bad things and make good come from them. I pray that over time, a thousand things - good things - can come from this. Judy
    A Thousand Things by Christa Wells

  3. Hi Alex, I found your blog through Bonnie's, who I found through Tara Newby. You are so brave to share your sorrow. I'm thankful to have found your blog so that I can join in with your family and friends in kneeling before God to pray for you and your husband, to hopefully help carry this immense burden.

    The song you posted by Ginny has seen me through some dark days and I recently found another one by Shane and Shane that I think you would like, it's called "Though You Slay Me"

    You don't know me, but if you every need someone anonymous to write to, to put your broken heart into words and send it to someone who will pray over it and cry with you, I'd love to be that person.

    You are loved by our heavenly Father.

    mandi bartel

  4. I too found your blog through Bonnies. So sorry about Olivia and I'm praying for you and hoping your surgery went smooth and praying you continue to heal and recover from surgery smoothly. My friend found out in Dec that she has thyroid cancer and had the surgery. She healed fast. Last week she did the iodine treatment and had to be in isolation for 4 days. Hers is stage 3 and it was in her lymph nodes.

  5. Such a great reminder that everyone has their own struggles in life and they cannot be compared to another. Praying for this time in your life and praising that you are still faithful to God during this time.