I want to say thank you for encouraging me, lifting me up in prayer, and sharing your own stories. I read each comment, post, and message.
But going against everything I know about etiquette, I didn't call back, respond, or hit "reply". To be honest, I didn't have the emotional energy. But I want you to know that I took each one to heart.
Someone sent me a beautiful flower arrangement and it literally made my day. Looking at those beautiful flowers honestly made me feel better (and I'm not usually a flower person, so this is strange for me). After my initial reaction of joy, my southern upbringing immediately had me thinking, "I should send a thank-you note." However the simple thought of writing a thank-you note completely exhausted me; I dreaded writing that note. Then I realized, I don't have to write a thank-you note. That person didn't send me flowers just for me to turn around and send a note. They sent me flowers to bring me joy and to lift my spirits; they would hate for that to be taken away by a stupid note.
I like to use an analogy that a close friend of mine used while she was grieving. She explained that we all have a "love bucket" and when the bucket is full, which mine has always been, we can give all our extra love away. We can be thoughtful friends, generous co-workers, and loving spouses. However during hard times, like what I'm going through now, our buckets feel empty making it hard to pour our love into others.
My bucket is drained.
I feel like I have nothing to give. I only have energy to take, in hopes of filling my bucket again.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of not feeling like myself.
It is strange to feel so tired that I don't have the emotional energy to write a note. Some days I feel really strong, just to come home to collapse in Josh's arms and cry. My goal is just to make it through the day, with as many distractions as possible.
I say all of this to say, I am feeling my bucket start to fill again. And that is because of you. It has taken hundreds and hundreds of prayers, calls, and messages but I think it is starting to work. Each day is better than the last. God is slowly giving me peace and comfort. I'm sleeping better. I'm laughing again.
So thank you. Thank you for everything you've done and will do.
I love you dearly.