Ever Changing Grief

The one year mark of losing Olivia has been lingering in the corner for months. Nodding at me. Shifting its weight. Clearing its throat. Letting me get comfortable with its presence but then making sure I always know it's there. Like an unwanted visitor. A dull ache deep down. 

For what seems like forever, time has been measured by February 5, 2014. That is when the clock started- day zero. How many hours since that day. Weeks. Months.

But lately I feel that my clock is counting down. How many months, weeks, days, hours until February 5, 2015. And I dread every ticking second. 

I don't want this day to get here. 

I don't want it to be a whole year since I held her. 

I don't want the distance of time to grow between us. 

I'm not sure what I expected 1 year to look like. More put together? More of a mess? To be truthful, some days are good. I can think of our sweet daughter and smile. Imagine her snuggling with Jesus and laughing at our silly dogs. But then I have days which I can barely get out of bed, cry on my way to work, and plead for answers. Those bad days seem to grow as this anniversary date is drawing near. 

Grief is funny like that. It is ever growing, ever changing. And it is always keeping me on my toes, whether I like it or not.

I'm scared of what time will look like on the other side of 1 year. Will people still know I miss her so much it literally hurts? That I would still give my last breath to hold her one more time? That any time a baby is mentioned my stomach clinches and I wish Olivia was here to brag about.

But I don't want to write about my pain without giving acknowledgement to the amazing amount of grace God has shown me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs how much I still hurt, but in the same breath I have to say how good God is. How I have never felt God's presence more than in the past year. How I yearn for others to know him like I do. And how I can't imagine how I could have survived this year without faith and hope in his promises. 

So I ask that you pray for me as these days continue to tick by. Please pray for comfort, peace and an overwhelming since of hope that can only come from above.