Saturday, December 28, 2013

I love being pregnant

I love being pregnant.

I sit here looking at my round belly, feeling my sweet girl moving around inside of me, and I love every minute of it. During this time I can pretend like I'm a normal lady whose only worry in two months will be to adapt to life with a newborn- to deal with late nights, unconsolable crying, and disgusting diaper changes.

However, in two months I won't be the normal, new mom. The day that I finally get to meet my daughter, to hear her coos and smell her sweet scent, is the day the countdown begins. The clock will begin ticking to remove this tumor, forcing me to deal with cancer again.

I was told by doctors to "enjoy the pregnancy," as there is nothing to do until I deliver. However during this waiting game, I've actually forgotten that I have cancer. Isn't that weird? That I've pushed this disease so far out of my mind that I forget that I'm sick. Then I'll randomly touch the lump on my neck or look at the pile of medical bills and remember. I'll remember that I'm not healthy and that our newborn-baby experience won't be typical.

How do you prepare for life with a baby with cancer hanging over your head?

Sometimes I let the worry overwhelm me. It takes over my thoughts and emotions. It debilitates me into thinking about nothing else, keeping me up at night.

As we wait, is it spreading? What if something goes wrong during surgery? What if the cancer is more aggressive than we thought? Will I be physically able to nurse or hold my baby? How am I going to deal with this emotionally?

But a friend's words convicted me the other day.

"We only worry about things we haven't given to God."

I'm trying to give this to Him. Trying.

And as God continues to refine me, I'll enjoy these next eight weeks. I'll cherish each pregnancy symptom, kick, and punch and try not to worry about tomorrow.

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